My Desert Island Discs Part 1

Last night I went to bed with the sole intention of sleeping. It had been a very long, boring day at work. Bank Holiday’s always are quiet but for some reason (possibly the weather) this was even more so. Even though yesterday wasn’t busy, I still found myself sitting on the sofa at 11.30pm last night barely able to keep my eyes open. So I said goodnight to the world and departed to bed. However, this week James is on his nightshift and I hate going to bed without something to do to keep calm in the dark (yes, I have a mild fear of the dark, who doesn’t?). Usually I play games on iPod until I’m calm enough to go to sleep but last night I decided to catch up on the podcasts I had downloaded and forgot about. Two of the podcasts were the Desert Island Disc interviews with Martin Sheen and James Corden (both very honest and emotional interviews, if you haven’t heard them then seek them out as they are brilliant). The format is such a classic I thought I would try my own here. There is the little problem of not having Kirsty Young asking me insightful and difficult questions about my life so I’ll stick to what the songs mean to me and why they’ve been chosen rather than long winded discussion about everything.

So, for those unfamiliar with Desert Island Discs the format is as follows – you have been stranded on a desert island and you’re only allowed eight tracks, three books and a luxury item. Two of the books are The Bible and The Complete Works of Shakespeare whilst the last is a book of your choice. So here goes.

Track 1 – ABC – The Look of Love 

Trying to choose one song from the Eighties to highlight my love of the era was quite hard. Since my early twenties I’ve been listening to and falling in love with music from this particular decade. I don’t know what it is but I connect with the wide variety of genres more than any other decade. I tend to love a little bit of everything and I am proud of my eclectic taste. This song to me was a revelation. Of course, I’ve been hearing it for years through my childhood and my teenage years but I had never really listened to it until my twenties and was much more open to the sort of music my parents listened to. Part of growing up is realising that your parents were young once, just like you, and the music they were listening to wasn’t rubbish, it’s actually very good and I can see my parents as people through the music that they listened to when they were my age. It wasn’t until I realised that it’s ok to like the same sort of music that your parents like that I discovered the Eighties and it’s truly great wealth of talent. Far from being the worst decade for music, I would put it up there with the Sixties in terms of creativity. The stuff that came out of the Eighties shaped what we listen to today and we owe a lot to the musical ingenuity of Phil Oakey, Gary Numan, Ian Curtis, I could go on. I am so glad that music I had previously written off as rubbish I have since rediscovered. And it should not be forgotten that Martin Fry has a magnificent voice.

Track 2 – ELO – Evil Woman

Music is a very allusive memory. Certain songs that you haven’t heard in years can jolt you right back into a point in time that you had forgotten about. There are songs we want to forget exist for that reason and there are songs we keep close to our heart because they remind us of something that whilst many may not find very significant, it contains the memories of a time which is gone and just the first chords are enough to whizz you back to that time. This is one of those songs. I can still see us now. Seven years old and my parents and I are living in a grotty council flat round the corner from my Grans. It was the worst. If I remember rightly, we had no washing machine and house lice crawled up the walls of my parents bedroom due to the damp and the flat roof that caused it. It was 1994 and my parents had just bought the house they still live in today. The house was a new build and we were the first (and still the only) people who lived in it. Everything was so new! I had a choice of bedroom and big fancy mirror wardrobes in my chosen one. My dad had just recently bought a CD player and ELO’s greatest hits. It got played on moving day. This track sticks out particularly as my dad made the joke that this song was about my mum. I just remember being so happy. We had a new house, my mum and dad were smiling and everything was so exciting. Not to mention I got the day off school to help move. I remember being so taken with the house that I ran up and down doing cartwheels, swimming in the size of the place. 1994 was also the year we went on our first real foreign holiday to Majorca. It was such a happy time for us.

Track 3 – Dougie MacLean – Caledonia

This is such a cheesy choice but I am of the firm belief that there is nothing wrong with a bit of cheesy. I first heard this song when I was a kid. My mum had a Best of Scotland compilation CD which thinking back was actually really good. This song stuck out as it’s quite melancholy but the message is a simple one ‘Scotland – I love you’. I know it’s become a favourite of drunks in pubs (and quite rightly) but for me it reminds me of everything I love about my home country and everything I miss about it. The song also resonates in a personal way of the things I have gone through that have got me to this point in my life. Whenever I’m homesick I will listen to this and smile. Scotland and being Scottish is in my blood and I am fiercely proud of that fact. I’m also aware that there’s a strong chance I could spend the rest of my life in Essex and that makes me sad. Caledonia reminds me that even though I might not live there, I will always be from there and I will always have my home in my life and in my heart and Scotland will always be my country and it’s amazing people will always be my people.

Track 4 – Colin Hay – Beautiful World

All I have to say about this song is that it got me through some very tough times when I was younger. From the age 19 to 21, I was very low. nothing was going right for me and I was just very sad. But this song existed and put simply, it made me feel better. It made me feel that I was actually quite lucky in my existence and that what I was going through was nothing compared to what others are going through. It helped me get back up on my feet and move on from what was getting me so down. It’s amazing how just one song can be a lifeline but it was. It was a hand that helped me up.

 

So there are four tracks still to pick and to stop this from becoming too lengthy, this is only part 1. Part 2 tomorrow!

Getting old isn’t as bad as I thought.

So I was on the phone to my Mum last night explaining to her that we weren’t going out last night because James has a bad cold and I had been at work all day and the prospect of going out till 3am was not the best one. I’ll just add that I really do enjoy going out and I love my friends here and we have great nights out. Anyway, she said to me ‘That’s what happens when you get old Stephanie, you can’t keep up the pace’.

Now, usually if this is said to me I freak out. I turned 25 last year and for the better part of the year I spent it trying to forget what was coming at the end of September and trying to convince myself that I wasn’t getting old at all. For example, there are loads of people who are older than me. But I couldn’t stop the mini panic attacks that would jump on me if I had a spare minute to think to myself. Sometimes the thoughts ranged from ‘OH MY GOD I’M GONNA BE TWENTY FIVE AAGGHH’ to the calmer ‘Well, I might as well just die now’. When I actually did turn 25, it turned out nothing much changed and I didn’t melt and everything stayed the exact same.

It’s weird but I’ve never bothered about my age until last year. Probably because I’ve never actually sat down and said to myself that I will be old one day. From the ages of 21-24 I was a live for the moment kind of person. The act of running away to Essex to live with a man I had known for less than a year was an example of that. I was proud of my recklessness, it made me me. The less said about 19-21 the better, frankly. That is an achingly huge hole in my life that will remain so.

So, when my mum said that to me last night, I was surprised when I heard myself respond with ‘You know, you’re right, I can’t’. I cannot keep the all night pace anymore. There was a time when I could go out and not return until 2 in the morning and then go to work for an all day shift. It wasn’t even that long ago. Something has changed.

I like to think it’s contentment. 21-24 was reckless and fun but it was reckless and fun for a reason. I had no one to answer to (except my parents when me and Julianne left their house in a state, but they got used to it) and I was making money which was mine. I had no bills to pay and the only debts I had my parents had helped me with and I paid it back to them in monthly instalments. The rest of my wages would go on food and nights out.

But when I met James something changed. Growing up didn’t sound boring anymore. I wanted to stay in and watch films and stay in the warm. I wasn’t jealous of the girls going out in the cold to get drunk and fall over. I didn’t want to get that drunk anymore (even though on rare occasions, I will still get silly), it didn’t appeal. Last night was the realisation that I’m growing up, not growing old and changing your ways, be it intentional or not, giving up things that you previously found fun and frivolous might not be such a bad thing. What you get in return is something much nicer and cosier and something I’ve probably been longing for for a long time but I never even realised it. It doesn’t mean I have to give up that life altogether, I can still visit. And I still do. There have been times this year that I’ve been a little ashamed of my behaviour (I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t wake up in the morning with that dreaded feeling of ‘what happened?’), but that is just what I am and I don’t mean to forget entirely. Just grow up a bit.